


Where Do I Even Start (It's All Falling Apart)

by Kareh



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Evil Karai, F/M, Gen, Hurt, Hurt Leonardo, Suicidal Leonardo, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 04:54:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3314774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kareh/pseuds/Kareh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He's not suicidal. He doesn't want to die. But sometimes - he wishes that death would find him. That he could just fade out from existence. It sounds better than living, sometimes."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Do I Even Start (It's All Falling Apart)

**Author's Note:**

> Vague references to canon and my other fic (you don't need to read it to understand this). 2k12 universe but AU in that Karai is a total bitch here. S2 finale is referenced but it's set sometime in the future where the guys are living back in New York.  
> Leorai isn't something I ship but their relationship is interesting to me. While I think 2k12 Karai may return Leonardo's feelings, I always felt like 2k3 Karai just took advantage of them. I could always see their relationship as having the potential to develop into something toxic and dark.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: implied/referenced non con, suicidal contemplation and panic attacks.  
> Please take care of yourself and don't read if these things will trigger you! Or if, like me, you always seem to torture yourself with triggering material, take breaks from reading. I worked for this fic on and off for months because the subject matter was very sensitive. I really didn't think I was going to post this one but here we are. I wrote this, I suppose, as a way of processing something that happened in my own life - so the writing and story are raw and emotional and thus, vague and lacking. There might be another part to this - I do have ideas about how to continue this - I'll most likely write it but depending on the response to this one, I may or may not share it.

When he gets home, the lair is quiet.  
Leonardo's feet are unsteady beneath him. He leans against wall, closing his eyes just for a second before the nights events replay in his mind and he snaps his eyes open again. He doesn't quite trust his shaky legs not to give out, but he needs to shower before he can curl up in his bed.  
He feels disgusting.  
"You're late. Run into trouble?" Raphael's voice comes from somewhere to his right, making him jump and almost lose his balance.  
Raphael's eyes narrow.  
"Uh, yeah. Something like that," Leonardo responds, surprising himself with how easily he switches into autopilot so as not to concern his brother. "I didn't think anyone was still awake."  
Raphael edges closer to him, and Leonardo knows he's scanning him for wounds. He won't find any, though. Leonardo's not hurt - not physically, at least. He pushes himself off the wall.  
"You look like you saw a ghost or somethin'," his younger brother observes, not quite managing to hide his concern as well as he had hoped, "You okay, man? You're kinda...shaky."  
The urge to cry hits him then. Raphael's concern makes it even worse. Leonardo knows he's probably in shock and he wants to tell him about his night because maybe it will help him to process exactly what's happened except - he's afraid. His brother might not understand, he might be angry, he might hit him, he might tell the others and then they'll all hit him - oh god, what if he tells Master Splinter?  
So he lies, "I'm okay." The words are hard to get out; the guilt starting to gnaw at him from the inside. He knows from Raphael's face that he doesn't quite buy it, but he doesn't push him either. Leonardo can't help but be disappointed because he kind of wants Raphael to sit him down and force him to tell him; but he doesn't.  
"If you say so," Raph shrugs instead, "I'm going to bed."  
He watches his brother walk off into his room and he wants to call him back - but Leonardo is the eldest. It's his job to protect the others. And he has to protect them from this - this is something he can never let his brothers know.  
"Night, Raph," He whispers, hoarsely. He makes it to the bathroom and turns on the shower just in time so that Raphael doesn't hear him throw up.

* * *

 

When he wakes up the next morning, the smoke is so thick he can hardly breathe. His bedroom door bursts open and Raphael is pulling him up, yelling at him that they need to get out of here. Their lair is up in flames - he spots his younger brothers wide eyed with his father looking at him expectantly to lead them out of here.  
Karai's laughter echos through the sewers and Leonardo can't breathe right.

* * *

 

They'd set up a couple of back up lairs long ago with basic security and emergency supplies, just in case something like this ever happened again - their new home is on the other side of the city, closer to the outskirts.  
It's not a bad thing, necessarily. It's smaller and until they can clear the rubble from some of the collapsed tunnels, the brothers have to share two relatively small rooms with each other (of course, Master Splinter gets his own room). They haven't been back to their old lair yet to see what - if anything - survived the fire, but they at least have each other. Donatello's managed to hook them up with some power - so they have light and an old beat up but still (somewhat) functional fridge from the junk yard, so between that and April bringing over food and extra blankets, and Casey lending them his TV and his Xbox, they're fed, relatively warm and Michelangelo is kept entertained. It could be worse. There's a lot of work still to be done - Donatello's priority is setting up the security system while the rest of the brothers dust, sweep and clean.  
It's been five days since they were forced to flee the lair.  
They've taken a break from cleaning up - even Donatello has taken a short break from upgrading the alarm system. They're sitting on the ground eating cold leftover pizza in front of the TV.  
"Man, this TV is so small," Michelangelo complains.  
"We can go check out the junkyard tonight if you want, see if there's anything bigger?" Donatello offers, and Leonardo stiffens. The junkyard is too close to their old home.  
As if reading his mind, Raphael speaks up, "No. We shouldn't go back there for a while."  
They don't need you, a voice tells Leonardo in the back of his head. Raphael's a better leader than you ever were. The voice he hears is not his own; it's hers.  
His lungs haven't felt right since the fire; but Leonardo knows it's not smoke inhalation. His heart pounds against his chest with such force, Leonardo half expects it to jump out of him. He knows what this is. He scrambles to his feet as quickly as he can and he's out of the room, ignoring his brothers calls out to him. His panic attacks after the invasion were never a secret - but they're something Leonardo prefers to handle on his own. He gets himself into his shared room with Raphael and slides down onto the floor, tucking up his knees and forcing himself to breathe through it.  
In and out.

* * *

 

_"I love you, Leonardo," she says._  
 _And then she jams the needle into his arm._

* * *

 

He slips outside in the dead of night and finds himself standing fifteen stories high, looking down at the world. He knows what it feels like to fall; but he contemplates what the landing would be like  
He's not suicidal. He doesn't want to die. But sometimes - he wishes that death would find him. That he could just fade out from existence. It sounds better than living, sometimes.  
Karai set off that fire; she tried to kill him and his family. Again. She got past their security system and it was Leonardo's fault that she was able to do that. Leonardo thought he'd be used to guilt by now; except, somewhere, he supposed he always knew that the other times he'd screwed up hadn't really been his fault. But this time was different. This time it really was his fault.  
Leonardo had done the unthinkable. He had betrayed his family.  
He had given Karai what she needed to launch that attack against them. He might not have started the fire, but he may aswell have.  
How could he possibly live with himself after that? How could be face his brothers, his father or his friends after what he did? He brought dishonour on himself, brought his family to shame - and death was the only way he could even begin to fix what he did. He didn't deserve life. He didn't deserve to laugh with his brothers or to be around his father. He didn't deserve them.  
He had heard of seppuku. But he didn't have a tanto and Leonardo didn't really want to turn his katanas on himself; it felt wrong to end his life with something his father had gifted to him.  
 _What would they say if they could see you now?_ Karai's laughter is in his head again and Leonardo takes another step closer to the edge.  
He can't stop his mind from replaying it, over and over. He can't get her voice out of his head.  
"Leo? What the shell are you doing up here?"  
He stiffens at the voice of his younger brother. Dammit. He knows his family are concerned but really? Master Splinter is sending Raphael after him? He's not even been gone for longer than thirty minutes.  
Reluctantly, Leonardo moves away from the edge, and follows his brother back to their new home.  
 _Not today, then._

* * *

 

_She's doing him a favour, really. He's a mutant turtle. What are the odds that any of them will ever get to experience sex? He should be grateful she's giving him this chance and not running away from him in disgust._

* * *

"Maybe he's bummed about losing his Space Heroes collection," Michelangelo offers, from over in the corner where he's trying to see how many spoons he can balance on his face - which, of course, all topple off his face and clang to the ground as soon as he speaks. "Aw, shell!"  
"I don't think that's it, Mikey." Donatello says, sighing as he moves to help his younger brother pick up spoons off the ground.  
They've been trying to figure out what's been eating their leader for days now but he won't give any clues away. Their brother does his best to hide whatever it is from them; playing video games with them as usual, rolling his eyes at Michelangelo's jokes and getting up ridiculously early to train as he normally does. In fact; if it wasn't for the panic attacks that seem to come out of nowhere or the fact that Raphael has to share Leonardo's room until they can finishing clearing the rubble out of Raphael's and so is awoken almost every night by his brothers nightmares - they might not have known something was wrong with him in the first place. Leonardo had always been the hardest to read.  
Raphael twirls his sai, "He's been having nightmares again but he won't tell me what they're about it."  
He hasn't been this bad since the invasion," Donatello muses, "Maybe the stress with the fire and moving home has caused them to resurface again..."  
"Where even is he anyway? It's been hours," Raphael complains, "He told me I couldn't go out and that we had to keep a low profile after the fire - yet he can come and go when he pleases?!"  
"Your brother is most definitely troubled," Master Splinter's voice startles them all, "His spirit is wounded."  
"C'mon, dudes, we gotta think," Donatello says. "What would cause this? Can anyone remember anything suspicious? This was around the same time as the fire, what about before then?"  
Raphael frowns, remembering the night before the fire when his eldest brother stumbled home much later than usual - the way his hands shook, the pained expression on his brothers face despite the lack of injuries on his body - there wasn't even a scratch on him! - was it then?  
He lets out a cry of frustration, shoving his sai back into his belt, "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, right now!"

* * *

"Okay, fearless, I've had enough of this!"  
Leonardo isn't surprised that his brother has followed him again.  
"You know everyone's worried sick about you, right?" Raphael continues, "Seriously, what the shell is going on with you?"  
"Nothing," Leonardo whispers, "Go home, Raph."  
"Not until you tell me what it is you're hiding." Raphael stands his ground and crosses his arms. "Why the shell are you always up here anyway? You suicidal or somethin'?"  
He regrets it the moment he says it - Leonardo's expression flickers for a second to something he can't place, before he goes back to his usual, stony expression.  
"Raphael," His voice changes and Raphael knows it's an order, "Go home."  
Raphael studies him for a second - his elder brother has lost weight, his eyes are tired and heavy with exhaustion and he's shaking. "No, Leo. I'm not going anywhere."  
"I'm not leaving you like this, man." Raphael tells him, "You look like you're gonna fall over any second."  
Leonardo narrows his eyes, clenching his fists and geering himself up to yell - he just wants to be alone. Their new lair is so much smaller and crowded than their last one that he can't breathe right down there - but he knows it's not going to work. Raphael won't leave no matter how much he yells at him.  
"I- I betrayed you."  
It comes out a whisper. It's deadly silent for a moment.  
Somewhere below them, a cop siren starts.  
"What do you mean?" Raphael says, a frown on his face. "You couldn't - you wouldn't betray us!"  
"K-" He can't say her name, "I met her. The night before the fire. I was with her."  
"Karai?" Raphael guesses, and Leonardo nods.  
"What happened?"  
His hands are trembling. "She tricked me."  
"I got that," Raphael says, tiredly, his patience slipping, "But how?"  
"I was _with_ her, Raph." He repeats. He watches his younger brothers face as it clicks. First confusion, then disgust and finally, settles on rage.  
"What? Leo, what were you thinking?" Before he can even think he's launching himself at his brother, yelling in his face, raising his fists to hit him.  
He stops when he recognises the expression on his brothers face as the same one he tried to hide after he asked him if he was suicidal.  
Guilt.  
It was guilt.

* * *

_She leaves Leonardo lying on the ground, covered in her. All he can smell is her and he manages to roll over just in time to avoid throwing up on himself._  
 _He gets to his feet, shakily, retrieving his tphone. He makes to call Raphael - the only one likely to be awake this late - but he hesitates._  
 _"Your brothers would be disgusted with you," Karai had hissed in his ear as he shook in the aftermath._  
 _No. Leonardo can't let anybody find out what happened here._

* * *

Leonardo knew he'd actually have to face her again at some point. But he still wasn't prepared for it.  
Another nightly patrol, another fight with the foot. He catches Karai standing from the next rooftop watching them. Watching him.  
The footbots rush towards him and he does his best to keep up with them; but he's distracted. He takes more hits than usual, though, somehow, he still manages to keep up. He wants to impress her; but not for the same reasons that he used to. There are too many footbots; they're outnumbered and Leonardo isn't taking them down like he used to.  
He turns to yell at Karai to face him already except she's not there anymore. He spins around with his katanas raised just in time to catch her tanto. He tries to clear his mind and prepare himself for a fight - but then she goes for his leg and he loses his balance; crashing to the ground, his swords slipping out of his hands. Her tanto slides into his shoulder blade and he cries out before he can help himself. It's over before it's even begun. "This is awfully familiar, isn't it?" She says, and he recognises the look in her eyes.  
The same look she had that night.  
Leonardo gasps as her tanto is yanked from his shoulder, coated with a sticky red substance he recognises as blood.  
If you were that desperate to see me again, you could've just called." She winks at him.  
His heart is pounding. His eyes flicker over to his brothers but he can't see them in amongst the footbots. He looks down at his shoulder to see the blood spilling from his body.  
"Call them off," Leonardo's voice is hoarse, "And I'll go with you. That's what you want, right?"  
The fighting stops and Leonardo glances over to find that his brothers are restrained; he checks them over quickly. Michelangelo's arm looks a little funny, like it might be dislocated, but Donnatello and Raphael seem to just be sporting bruises and a few knicks here and there. Nothing major.  
She grabs hold of him, pulling him up to his knees and keeping her tanto pressing uncomfortably into his cheek and laughs, "Have you told them about us yet?" Leonardo shivers. He can feel his brothers watching him; sense their confusion.  
"You haven't," She smiles, "That's even better! I was hoping I'd get to see the look on their faces when they found out their perfect leader betrayed them."  
"That's enough, Karai!" He hears Raphael yelling, "Let him go!"  
"What are you talking about?" Donatello's voice is next.  
"Leo wouldn't," Michelangelo says, stubbornly. "You're lying!"  
Karai laughs, "How about we reinact it, Leo? Should we let them watch you beg?"  
N-no," Leonardo tries to sound firm, but his voice wavers.  
"That's the spirit," Karai laughs, pressing her body closer to him, "It's just like last time."  
Everything happens all at once. His eyes flicker to his brothers for just a moment, enough to see the second that Raphael puts two and two together. Suddenly there's a an audible crack and Leonardo's vision is clouded by smoke. The pressure of Karai's body against his and the tanto against his cheek is ripped from him and instead he's yanked back by his waist. He flails against whoever it is holding him, struggling to break free.  
"Easy, Leo," Donatello mutters, "It's me." His body finally gives out and he crashes into his younger brothers arms.

* * *

When he wakes up, he's in his and Raphael's room and it's almost completely dark apart from the lamp by his brothers bed - except it's not Raphael sitting beside him, it's Donatello.  
"Don," He croaks, trying to sit up and his brother jumps. "What happened?"  
"Woah, you lost a fair bit of blood back there, take it slow alright?" Donatello puts down the book he was reading and rushes over to his eldest brother, "Everyone's fine, Mikey let off a smoke bomb and we took the footbots by surprise, got you and cleared off."  
Leonardo nods, processing the information. They got away. But - why did they save him after what she told them? She told them what he did - that he betrayed them - weren't they mad? His stomach flips and he sways, so he lowers himself back onto his bed relunctantly. He can feel the familiar tinge of panic rising in his stomach.  
"She got away," Donatello tells him, watching him, "Raph wanted to go after her but you were more important."  
Leonardo sneaks a glance at his younger brother, searching for signs of anger. But there's nothing but concern in his brothers expression.  
"Why?" Leonardo croaks out. "I thought - she - you aren't angry?"  
Donatello looks confused, "Why would I be angry?"  
"You heard her. Didn't Raph tell you the rest?" Leonardo can't look at him anymore so he lets his head fall back and stares up at the dark ceiling instead. "I did something really stupid."  
"I have my suspicions about what she meant, but it's your story to tell," Donatello tells him, "I didn't ask him about it and neither did Mikey."  
Leonardo forces himself to concentrate on his breathing, counting to ten in his head. If Donatello notices - and Leonardo knows that he does - he doesn't say anything.  
"Did you want to talk about it, Leo?" Donatello says, when Leonardo is finished. His voice is soft. Too soft. It's as if he knows already. Leonardo's spent the last few weeks trying so hard to hide it but for what? He's transparent.  
"No," Leonardo says, shutting his eyes tight. He can't cope with this right now. The anxiety is eating away at his stomach again, creeping up.  
He can feel Donatello's worry radiating off him, but he stands, "Okay. I'll let you get some rest, then. Raph's in with Mikey for tonight so you're stuck with me. I'll go get you some water, okay?"  
Donatello leaves the room, giving his eldest brother the privacy he knows that he needs to break down. Leonardo burries his face in his pillow and bites down on it as hard as he can to muffle the sobs that sneak their way out before he can stop them.  
It's a long night.

* * *

Raphael's surprised when he enters the living room the next morning to find Leonardo sitting upright, quietly reading his book and drinking tea. It's almost as if nothing happened. But he doesn't miss the way his brothers shoulders tense as soon as he hears him enter. He hates these kind of conversations - Leonardo does too. But he knows that he has to talk to his brother about this. He can't just leave it. So he sits down across from his brother. Leonardo turns the page on his book.  
"Why didn't you tell us?" Raphael asks, after a moment - and then winces at his tone - it comes out like more of an accusation and that was not what he meant. "No - I don't - I get why you didn't tell us. I just - you could have. You know that you could have, right?"  
His eldest brother is silent, but he closes the book over and puts it down.  
"Leonardo," Raphael insists. "You could have told us, man. You coulda told me."  
"No," Leonardo says, quietly. "I couldn't."  
"I wouldn't have reacted the way I did the other night," Raphael says, rubbing the back of his head, "I would have- the way you said it, man. You weren't - you weren't with her. That was...She-"  
"I know what it was," Leonardo says, his tone carefully empty, "Just -don't say it."  
Raphael's silent for a moment, thinking. He doesn't know how to make this better. "You haven't lost your honour, ya know. You haven't shamed us."  
Leonardo doesn't reply - Raphael didn't really expect him to.  
"Are you going to tell the others?" he asks, instead.  
But Leonardo just shrugs. He looks exhausted with dark circles under his eyes, his hands still shaking and the bandages on his shoulder stained with blood. He looks much paler and frailer than Raphael has ever seen him - and that includes the time he was in a coma.  
"I'm here, bro," Raphael tells him, feeling awkward, "If you wanna talk about it, ya know."  
Leonardo stands abruptly, grabbing his book and tea and making a beeline for their room.  
Thanks, Raph," Leonardo pauses at the door, "I just - not yet."  
With that, he closes the door behind him and Raphael is alone in the living room.

* * *

 

Leonardo doesn't think he'll ever speak about the nightmares.  
Doesn't think he'll tell anyone what exactly happened that night. How Karai confessed her feelings for him or that he believed her right up until she slammed the needle into his arm.  
The way his heart felt like it was caving in inside his chest. He won't talk about the way her hands felt on his skin, her gasps in his ear or tongue on his neck. The way his eyes felt heavy or how her figure blurred above him. That it all felt like some horrible dream until he felt her nails dig through the layers of his skin and cling to him, pulling him towards her. Keeping him in her grasp. He won't speak about what it was like to be a prisoner in his own body, to scream at himself to move, to fight - anything, but to be paralysed. That his mind sort of floated off and while it was happening, he was busy noticing the cracks on the wall instead of planning his escape. That afterwards, he looked at his T-phone and wanted to call someone - anyone - to come and get him. To make this better. But he knew that he couldn't share this with them. He couldn't share this with anybody.  
Such things, Leonardo knows he'll take to the grave. 


End file.
